I’ve been really lonely lately. I’ve been emotionally fucked. My confidence (well what little I did have) is falling. I’ve been pushing my friends away. I know it’s my fault, but I don’t even know why I’ve been doing this. But at the same time, I’m getting a lot closer with my work friends- probably because I see them all on a daily basis. But I still feel like I’m going to be empty and alone for the rest of my life. I’ve most likely been friend-zoned by the one person I really do have feelings for. I feel like I’m being pushed back in the closet. One day I like girls. The next, I like boys. Then some days, neither. When I try to remind myself that sexuality is fluid, that this is normal, I freak out. I’m not comfortable with myself right now. I feel the need to hide who I really am. I promised I would never allow this to happen to myself again. But that’s the fucking thing- I’m the only one standing in my way. I’m my own worst critic. I know I’m a good person, but I feel like the optimism and promise that I once possessed is fading. For once in my life, I have nobody to blame but myself. I’m all that I have left. I am the disease, but I’m also the cure. Now it’s my turn to decide.

Looking back on what I’ve just written… Maybe I’m still the optimistic person that I’ve always been. Hopefully.